Broken Windows

 Growing up is hard. Raising kids is hard. Being an adult is hard. One of the natural responses to things that are hard is fear. And fear tends to lead to lashing out.

Last week, some kids were throwing rocks in the park next to our house and one of those rocks broke a window. The kids were so scared, they took off. We were scared because we didn’t know at the time if it was intentional or just an accident.

It took me a couple hours to track down the kids and involved using video from a neighbor and intel from some middle schoolers I know. I took the time to do that because I didn’t want to be scared. But what I did not know at the time, was that I was also doing it to grow. 

I thought I would be angry when I found the rock throwers but as soon as I saw them and took a minute to think and watch them play, all I could feel was peace. 

I decided in that minute to treat them as though I understood their infinite potential. At that point I knew one of their names so I called it and he turned his head in response, as is natural. And in that moment, he knew he was caught and he looked terrified.

We started to chat. “Hey guys, can we talk about that broken window?” So many looks of fear. 

“I bet you were having a GREAT time, throwing rocks. It seems like a fun game. Sometimes we don’t think all the way through to the end of our actions. Part of growing up is learning to recognize when your choices cause a situation that is too big for you to handle and then having the courage to ask for help. Would it be ok if I helped you solve this problem?”

We talked for a long time about unintended consequences and responsibility. We talked about fear. We talked about growing up. We even talked to the police (remember, we were scared, too).

The boys admitted they were scared. They said they thought I would beat them them up if I found them so they ran. They were afraid their parents would cancel their sleep over if they knew. They were terrified they would be punished at home AND by me. They wanted to make it right, but were scared that taking the steps to do that would actually make their lives worse. I walked home with them and talked to one of the moms. The parents are good people, too. 

I don’t even care about the window. I’m GLAD it broke.

What I want from this is for the boys to learn how to recognize situations that are too big for them to handle alone and how and to whom they can run. And I want that for me, too. 

⚠️ CAUTION: SOAP BOX BELOW 👇 ⚠️ 

Can we talk about kids and mistakes? They are a GOOD thing. You want your kids to mess up early and often when still in the safety of your protection. At least, I do. Little kids, little problems, right? 

Too often, parents consider mistakes their children make as reflections on them and their parenting and because the parent has no control over the consequence of their child’s action OR that action. They lash out at the “cause” which is actually not the cause, but a small person learning to be a grown up. That’s a fear response.  

So what do kids do? They hide their problems from the people who are supposed to help them. They are scared of you because they KNOW you aren’t in control, either. Even kids who’s parents are NOT like that have this idea drilled into them by their friends parents and media tropes. We can change the narrative and in doing so, make the world a better place and grow better humans.

In these late childhood and teen years, leave the consequences at the location of the poor decision. Let home always be safe for them. That’s not to say there are no consequences. That’s actually the OPPOSITE of what I’m saying. For example, if your child steals, they need to make it right at the store and a natural consequence might be they are only allowed at a store WITH you for a certain amount of time. It doesn’t make sense to also cancel all video game time for a month. That punishment teaches them nothing. It’s not even a deterrent to stealing in the future. The only thing it does is make the parent feel better because they are “doing something”. 

We all mess up every single day. Even as adults. If you mess up at work, you don’t go home and get yelled at. That doesn’t help you do better at work. If there’s anything I wish I’d changed earlier in my parenting, it’s this. Kids can be logical. All humans need compassion and understanding. Let’s help our kids learn how to be gentle with themselves and compassionate toward others. 

This book has done more for my inner peace and my interactions with others than almost any other. I recommend it highly.